when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize