If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
