"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
