when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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