I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
