I don't usually arrange sex via text message
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She even gives head with a lisp.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
