I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
