yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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