my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
