i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
