I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
This house was built for laser tag.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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