was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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