He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
