I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
