Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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