I feel like abortions should bother me more
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
