Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
