shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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