Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
