OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You are a genius and a whore.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize