alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize