This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Come on in and take your pants off
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