I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
