You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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