Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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