I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
