Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
