I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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