I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
