ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
