I wish I could teleport
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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