I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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