I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I need water and some morals
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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