My nipple is on Facebook.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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