I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
