He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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