He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
