Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
