No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
