Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
why do cheetos always look like penises
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
