I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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