She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
