Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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