Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
