I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
