Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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