also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's official drugs can't kill me
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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