I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
