Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
