i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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