she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
