the condom got lost in my hair
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
