I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
