It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
