Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
and she was petting her beer can
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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