oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
