i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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