Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
