Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
