The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
