ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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