The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
