I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
