Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
