did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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