My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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