Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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